He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
