I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm jealous of your bromance
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
