Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
