By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
