If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize