i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
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If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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