SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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