Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
