I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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