That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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