When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
