We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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