i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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