In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
