Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize