the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
