I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
