They should really pass out barf bags in church
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
