pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
