Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
