Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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