So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
