If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish i was in the wii world.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
