So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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