Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
