Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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