In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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