Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
