I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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