The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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