yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
cat food counts as protein by the way
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
