I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
