There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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