How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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