plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
