my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
