I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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