if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize