i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
