On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
