What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
