If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
