i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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