I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
