The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize