Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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