We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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