Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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