yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
