Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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