Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
