Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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