he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize