We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
