the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
