I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
