this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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