how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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